No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I don’t know what to do
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.