Any time a child tries to guess my age.
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Good news