@dave_cactus

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

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@GuyThe_Guy

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

@i_eat_fruit

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

@kiralc

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

@Thedudish

If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

@crunchenhancer

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

@GingerHotDish

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.