Any time a child tries to guess my age.

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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.


It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.


girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!


“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”


If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.


Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.


[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”


What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.


“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.