“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.