Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Lassie, get help!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.