Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
WHO DID THIS?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.