My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.