Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

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[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*


Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.


[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!


*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin


[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me


My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.


[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face


Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.