Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Eat…
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.