Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring