any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one