Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Spider-cat: No One Home
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Well, that should do it