Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?