@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

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@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@Sickayduh

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

@English_Channel

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

@SortaBad

Manny Pacquiao says he would accept a rematch with Floyd Mayweather. “Yes, I will allow you to pay me another $100 million,” he told sources

@fro_vo

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

@BigShankkz

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

@KeetPotato

[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”

@MsLisaM

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *