Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Manny Pacquiao says he would accept a rematch with Floyd Mayweather. “Yes, I will allow you to pay me another $100 million,” he told sources
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *