Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
You Might Also Like
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong