Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose