@Home_Halfway

Any writer can be a ghost writer if you kill them

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@GonzoVice

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@jimmytorosian

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

@MommaUnfiltered

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

@lilgapeach30

The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.