any yall looking to wake up with some organs missing

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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.


Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”


It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.


can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”


I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.


I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.


Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.


Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.


Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels