Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.
Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.
Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels