@gokunaruto2000

any yall looking to wake up with some organs missing

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@wife_housy

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

@SatansTongue

Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
*nervously*
“Uh yeah just fine”

@4ScoreN20Bowls

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

@offbeatoliv

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

@tonsmorecowbell

Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

@wickedsuga

Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.

@BadMikeyBad

Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels