‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
A little too much information.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft