anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”