@JohnLyonTweets

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

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@GrantTanaka

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

@AristotlesNZ

Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@ClichedOut

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

@ddsmidt

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.