listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.