if i ever got a tattoo it would be something meaningful in Chinese but deliberately misspelled to say, like, may all your trees be cantaloupes, so smug smart people would sneer at me but i’d privately be judging THEM for being pompous jerks guess how many friends i have
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
CEO: really strong air
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Joke of the day
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean