Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards


Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?


My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.


Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.


Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur


(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.


Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.


In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.


Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.


Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.