To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Is it ok to clothesline people on scooters going down busy sidewalk yet?