If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“Anyone can be funny… But I can make you hilarious!”
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Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.