@WilliamRodgers

“Anyone can be funny… But I can make you hilarious!”

-Marijuana

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@mom_ontherocks

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

@pan_duh

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

@foodfacenow

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

@Darlainky

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

@dave_cactus

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@linkindrinkin

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

@sonictyrant

[Painting the mona lisa]

Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg

Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE

@shakenbakegurl

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

@JustDontBugMe

[on the phone with cable company]

Me: how do I cancel my cable?

Rep: first you go to our website and look for our FAQ section-

*30 minutes later*

Rep: -and then you have to steal the Declaration of Independence to get to the map on the back. The map will lead you to a clue-