@WilliamRodgers

“Anyone can be funny… But I can make you hilarious!”

-Marijuana

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@GloriaFallon123

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

@skylerhanrath

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

@Jesssicle

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.