Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
August 8