Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
As the Lord intended
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
At least he brought enough for everyone
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.