@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

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@chicnlil1

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

@Social_Mime

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

@BigGucci_Idz

It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?

@sensual_dad

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

@topshelftyson

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

@causticbob

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

@daemonic3

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?