@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

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@ShootyDoody

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

@tastefactory

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

@iGreenGod

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

@T_Bonezzz_

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

@AccidentalCISO

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

@ImMelanieGibson

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

@jazmasta

[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Dave no!”
“my est..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”

@Fickle_Filly

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.