Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..


I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.


It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?


if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing


*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see


*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok


I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble


[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?