My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
You Might Also Like
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Just say no