Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.