Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Ummm
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.