anyone else like Italian cereal
You Might Also Like
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
okay run it by me one more time
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive