anyone else like Italian cereal
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Ion see the issue
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Why are bridges so flammable.