Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?

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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.


I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.


Him: Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.


It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.


If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.


“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”


Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.


My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow


My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.