Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
For anyone who needs this today
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.