Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded