Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
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I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn