Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks