Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
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Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: