Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
liiiiiiiiike
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”