Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
where the womens at?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.