Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile