anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
You Might Also Like
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%