How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I can convert alcohol into an idiot
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.