Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@weinerdog4life

How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

@Marcmywords2

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

@Scdavis24

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@PaulyPeligroso

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

@withanewname

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

@BlairLoudly

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

@ArtIsMyPorn

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

@ImaFlyontheWall

I can convert alcohol into an idiot

@WheelTod

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.