Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
You Might Also Like
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me when the borders lift
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*