Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
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Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”