Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Oh deer
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.