When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”