@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

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@prodigalsam

“Oh great. Another puppy.” – Sarah McLachlan’s friends at Christmas

@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

@Bownuggets

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

@Shut_up_Marissa

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

@Parkerlawyer

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

@TheBoydP

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

@cravin4

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

@pleatedjeans

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

@philandher96

“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”

~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied

@FeelParmesan

2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.