Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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The booster protects against what, now?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
who will stop them
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.