“Oh great. Another puppy.” – Sarah McLachlan’s friends at Christmas
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”
~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied
2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.
2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.