Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*