Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂