Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
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I鈥檓 giving up ice.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we鈥檝e shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
JUDGE: Where鈥檚 your lawyer?
ME: I don鈥檛 have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Livid.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I鈥檓 not taking any Benadryl tonight
Help Wanted
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 馃槶馃槀馃槶馃槀
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don鈥檛 take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we鈥檙e almost there!
ME: yep, let鈥檚 bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.