Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.


Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.


God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]


Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.


Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.


Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?

Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish


*pounding on her chest*


*pounds harder*


CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.


My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.


Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!