Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
mom had nothing to worry about
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal