Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

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Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.


When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.


DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared


me: will i be arrested

psychic: no

me: empty the register


You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.


Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right


[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”


Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.


Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.