@InThaBurbs

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

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@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@doublewenis

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

@longwall26

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

@Dawn_M_

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

@SlimSinclair

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?

Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@Kyle_Lippert

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!