Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?