@JennyJohnsonHi5
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@EvilPandaX
Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?
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@JennyJohnsonHi5
@beefman138
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
@batkaren
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
@lianamaeby
The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, “What’s water?” so she wouldn’t feel stupid.
@slimmy_shady
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
@SuperShourds
My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
@IamEnidColeslaw
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
@djdarrellripley
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
@sixfootcandy
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
@Kalarlis
hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*