can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
You Might Also Like
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Well, this certainly took a turn