If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, “What’s water?” so she wouldn’t feel stupid.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*