Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.