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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur