Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
There’s never enough good news
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
⛄️
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma