Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn’t reading your tweets or looking at pics
Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?
Thor: Hammer time?
HR: Get out.
[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe