I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Safety first
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
i wish i could marry a nap
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Who says great literature is dead?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
why would tinder want me to say this
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.